Posted by: Vicky V | September 30, 2009

Sub optimal conditions

I have a problem with situations and things being less than “optimal”.

By which I mean I cannot tolerate things that have either only got half way there, or have overshot their “prime marker point”. Examples of this are; half baked cheese soufflé (try twice baked in chocolate); burnt toast (cancerous, gross); people who are too nice (what are they hiding?); dry toothpaste (lazy with the cap); people who describe a situation as “pretty good” (get off the fence).

Maybe it’s just that I have a problem with adjectives.

Whatever, I am in a “sub optimal situation” with Suze and the wedding issue. Having campaigned all week for pole position (bribes included muffins, frozen yoghurt, quite a lot of schnaps) she told me last night that she’d be really delighted if Gabriella and I would “share” the best woman duties.

How half-baked, burnt, too nice, dry and on the fence, is that?

Sharing these duties will make it look like Gabriella and I spend an equal amount of time investing in our friendship with Suze. We don’t. Where was Gabriella when Suze was shouting at the tv screens in Dixons like a tramp after too many Strongbows? Where was Gabriella when Suze discovered that Ian had been putting out with Sheila, the office ho?

Could it get any worse? Yes. Suze has planned a get together this weekend for all the “best people” to brainstorm initial wedding ideas. And I can’t go. I have a long standing date with the family to celebrate Socially Compromised Aunty Lesley’s sixtieth. It’s been booked for months.

So, Gabriella, who is too nice (see above for more sub optimal gun shots) will be there to style the plans at an early stage.

I’m going to be like the last remaining chicken breast in a packet of two. A packet that was bought by a single person who cooked the first one in a delightful yoghurty, garlicky sauce and left the other one to rot away because the single person was having too much fun to come back home and cook it later in the week. Totally less than optimal.

I wanted to call up Gabriella and quiz her about how much she actually knows about Suze.

But instead, I said “Yes Suze, whatever you say Suze. I’m sorry I won’t be there. Gabriella will do a fabulous job. The important thing is that it’s YOUR day.”

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