Posted by: Vicky V | August 3, 2009

I need a competitive quote

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”

Lily Tomlin said this.

It will be my mantra. But I will be specific.

I want to be a King. Or a Queen. Whatever. As long as I am regal, own a lot of diamond encrusted stuff, am in control of my own life and have a few subjects. So that when Karen trips me up or Cream Horn puts me down it won’t matter “a fig” (regal speak) because I will decree them traitors and have their heads chopped off. Every time Mum fires a stinger or Spike is a tosser I’ll order them to the gallows and have really unsightly pies thrown at them. Every time Marcus pops up on Facebook I’ll make a law banning fruit and Art Sluts and have him thrown in the old slammer down by the docks (or somewhere equally dank, with rats piddling in muddy puddles).

The kingly things I have done for myself today:

1) Bought myself a tiara and worn it non-ironically. I totally fit in at the office now.
2) Done the first chapter of Paul McKenna’s Change Your Life in 7 Days
3) Bought myself a Super Deluxe Salmon meal for one
4) And a nice bottle of Prosecco which I will drink in the park tonight then toast my subjects while standing on a crate
5) Swung all my work energy into the Work Away Day inc. short-listing new bars mentioned on Time Out, buying flip charts and a rounders bat.
6) Sent ideas for Suze’s engagement ring to Ian. I am, however, finding Ian increasingly disturbing as he seems also to be including me in his choice of “proposal-day-hammock-style-underwear”. His words not mine. Gonna get his head chopped off for being a prevert.

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