Posted by: Vicky V | July 22, 2009

Miss Understood

I would totally reply to this call for a female competitive eater aged 18-35 to star in a new reality show but I’m too busy organising ice breaking games for my alcoholic colleagues. And even if I was successful in my application I would take it so seriously I might end up like Mr Creosote. And, crucially, I. Do. Not. Compete. Anymore.

So I sent the link to Mum by e-mail. Mostly in jest but also, in a fit of uncharacteristic charity and kindness, wanted her to know that her love of Top Shop and the gym still made the 18-35 category relevant to her.

She replied saying:

“If you are thinking about getting on the television I think you’d do well to look at what Judith Chalmers did for the Costa del Sol rather than stuff your face full of hot dogs. It’s not a talent that will get you recognised in the long run and you will get “fat”. Your father’s side is already prone to weight gain so maybe you should think about joining a gym instead. If you really want to get on the telly, I’ll speak to the Munroes who have “industry contacts”. Your brother is coming for lunch this Sunday to celebrate his pay rise. Can you believe it, another pay rise in this harsh economic climate? It would be nice if you came to raise a glass unless that Marcus is painting you or some such. Mum x”

(Do not yet have the strength to relay news to family about my broken home. They will be too jubilant and am not in the cork-popping stage just yet).

I ceremonially expunged her e-mail from my hard drive, remembering exactly why I didn’t send her kind missives like other mother-daughter relationships. Then I silently screamed and continued with the away day research.

Suze said she would come back to me about talking to her PR b.f about the party. Said she didn’t want a re-run of what happened last time (i.e continued unmentionable Meredith drama)

Sometimes I think the world is horrifyingly short of people who understand me. I need to win Big Brother then write my memoirs which will sell widely because they will speak to the common man about what it is to be lonely and misunderstood in this world. Maybe not Big Brother (as it involves competing), maybe I’ll just be a famous actress who eats hundreds of hotdogs without putting on weight. Or some such.

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