Posted by: Vicky V | July 15, 2009

Whimper and a moan

The departure of martian-hooved Marcus is draining me. I am dizzy with stress, alcohol and mal-nutrition (I am eating meals for one which have no vitamins and minerals. Why bother keeping single people healthy? It’s not like they’re ever going to find a life partner and procreate).

I was so light headed this morning I tripped over the threshold of reception and came to land at the feet of a man wearing expensive looking shoes (you know, those pointy looking leather brogues). Owner of said shoes had shapely thighs and well arranged hair. Clearly another one of the many dead-behind-the-eyes male models I see every day. (Well if you worked at the Cadbury Factory every day you’d be sick of the site of Creme Eggs and Twirls after a time.)
“I must say, you look less like Princess Anne when you’re hair’s all loose like that.” He said.

Why was he speaking to me? I am not a fan of speaking to anyone at the moment unless I can possibly help it. Anything I say comes out sounding like a dog who’s been left alone without water for ten days. I rub my eyes and look again. They are v. dry because I was weeping vodka last night.

“I’m sorry, do I know you? Are you a barman or something?”

“No. But you might recognise me if I do this..”

He took a blue spotted handkerchief out of his coat pocket and wrapped it tightly round his head, pulling back the skin on his forehead as far as it would go.

“Oh right. You’re that facelift pirate who parks his ship round the corner.”

He smiled. “Pretty close. Water is definitely a theme. Try loosening your swimming hat next time you’re down at the pool, might release some memory neurons.”

The penny dropped. While I was off the wagon I did quite a lot of competitive speed swimming in the pool. He looked exactly like the man who was always on my tail and made me swim faster.

He continued. “It’s impossible to overtake you in the pool.”

I blushed. “Thanks, I used to be swim team captain. Got a few gold medals actually.”

He looked confused.

“Actually, would you mind not swimming in the middle of the lane? There was quite a lot of traffic behind you and every time I tried to overtake you’d cut me up.”

Where oh where did I put my spade today?

“Can I get you a coffee while you wait?” I said, in a kind of whimpering way.

“No, but could you move the tables out of the boardroom and book it for a few hours for me?”

“Why, are you going to practice your sashaying?” I laughed. Too loudly.

“No, I’ve got a presentation to give. I work here.”


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