Posted by: Vicky V | May 29, 2009

What is wrong with Richard Curtis?

Having had my senses assaulted by the sight of Karen clasping Zack’s thigh with her nylon nails, I gave myself a burrito and a pep talk. Which went a bit like this:

• Step away from the chemistry thing. It’s your imagination. Yum this burrito is tasty with its guacamole and beany stuff.
• But Zack was definitely looking at me strangely. I feel a bit sick-in-a-good-way, just thinking about it. I need to put my burrito aside.
• But I have a boyfriend who is sexy and arty. He may be a bit moody at the moment but we live together which is tantamount to marriage in this day and age. Nibble some burrito. I do pay all the bills though. When it comes to his ship coming in, I think it’s still anchored in Africa. Now I feel sick-in-a-bad-way. Abandon burrito.
• And Zack. He touched my hand and I thought I’d stuck my hand in a plug socket. The only thing I learnt in chemistry lessons was that it takes at least two things to make a reaction. A Bunsen burner is never going to burn with a green flame unless you put something in it, like grass.

My friend Bunsen

My friend Bunsen

But the key thing here is that I am supposed to be avoiding all forms of competition. The last thing I need is some gender reversed equivalent of the Bridget Jones, Mark Darcy, Daniel Cleaver love triangle thing in “Bridget Jones’s Diary”. For a film that was made in the nineties about a thoroughly “modern woman” it’s actually very anti-feminist and quite offensive, now I come to think of it. Most of the story is about two over-wheening male egos competing against themselves for past wrong-doings. And not, as Bridget would have us believe, for her affections. The reason I know this is because:
a) Mark Darcy doesn’t look at Bridget twice until he sees she is talking to his old rival, Cleaver
b) the major street fight is essentially over how Cleaver slept with Darcy’s ex wife; a situation that pre-dated poor, delusional Bridge and
c) she told me.

At least I was attracted to Zack before I noticed Karen had got her plastic talons into him.

Furthermore, I also observe that Bridget Jones’s Diary was written by Richard Curtis. The exact same man who dared use Ronan Keating’s appallingly offensive “You say it best, when you say nothing at all” in his other, schmaltzy rom-com “Notting Hill”. And the same man who wrote one of the less intelligent pieces of dialogue to be spoken by a major female protagonist: When Andie McDowall says, in “Four Weddings and a Funeral”, “Is it raining, I hadn’t noticed?” In a force, ten El Ninio weather situation.

We’re not in the eighteenth century anymore, Curtis.

So, I tired to avoid my feelings (of attraction towards Zack, not anger towards Curtis) all day. I checked whether I was up to date on all the best You Tube clips and when that was done, I decided I still needed more facts.

So I asked Bernard straight out. What’s the deal with Karen and Zack, oh whittled one? Turns out Zack has got Karen well and truly under the thumb. She can’t get enough of his sexiness, power and money and is therefore very attracted to him. She is apparently quite desperate and delusional and Zack is using her for sex. Someone get Richard Curtis.


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