Posted by: Vicky V | May 27, 2009

Fatal attraction

So I’m in the kitchen at work, making the coffee with Bernard, when Zack a.k.a The Domino walks in. Bernard is holding a knife because he is buttering a Ryvita with Lurpak and Nutella. The knife falls out of Bernard’s hand, like it does every morning; there’s not much friction between any object and the skin of a man who moisturises his hands with olive oil every fourteen minutes.

The knife hits the floor.

Zack and I dive down to the floor at exactly the same time to retrieve the buttery knife. Our fingertips touch in a kind of electric confusion. He grasps the knife and we both stand up at the same time as a spark crackles between us, like a light, or a fuse box blowing.

Then he opens the fridge, takes out a Yakult, and leaves.

I spend the afternoon feeling sick with nerves and checking my hair every five minutes in case he walks past reception. I research what’s just happened on http://www.blifaloo.com/info/flirting-body-language.php. If I study the facts and evidence, I can work out whether the feeling I had in my belly was genuinely a firework or whether I’ve just got indigestion and am imagining things because I’m so down on Marcus and his plums. In order to confidently say that there is “something there” I am going to assume that this morning’s events will need to have covered all symptoms of genuine attraction so that there’s no room for being wrong. Here they are:

1. Eye contact. Yes, this definitely happened. Plus he kind of raised an eyebrow. But that could have been because he didn’t recognise me as I am a lowly receptionist.
2. Triangulation (when he traces a triangle between your nose and two eyes). N.B Tracing is done with eye contact, not another object like a finger or wooden spoon. And yes, this also happened but it’s possible he was looking at something on the wall behind me, so I went and replayed events in the kitchen. There is indeed a poster hanging opposite where he was standing, advertising the importance of cleanliness and binning your snotty hankies. It’s almost 100% possible he was reading this because swine flu still poses a threat even though it’s something like item number 14 on the news. Cream Horn catches me scoping the kitchen so I tell her I am disinfecting everything as these are uncertain times.
3. Mirroring body language. We both took an identical approach in retrieving the knife from the floor. However, I dropped all the coins out of my purse last week and an old woman bent down to help and we didn’t fancy each other. Mirroring is a red herring.
4. Being face to face. Yes, we were. But, other than my insufferable brother Spike, I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with my back to someone.
5. Man puts hands on belt to draw attention to virility. No. He did not do this. I knew it: this is just a figment of my imagination and there was no chemistry. But maybe he wasn’t wearing a belt? This is an untested fact for which I need to do more field work

So at ten to six I set out to his office to see whether he’s wearing something without a belt e.g a jump suit. But when I strain my eyes through the frosted glass I see that he is not wearing a smock. He is wearing… Karen.

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  1. […] upon a time I thought Max was looking at me longingly. Now I’m pretty sure it’s because he thinks I’m a […]


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