Posted by: Vicky V | May 8, 2009

Levi 911

There is a brilliant piece on The Onion about the new Star Trek movie. My ears feature 13 seconds in, laying into someone. A KLINGON perhaps? Probably not but I just wanted an excuse to say KLINGON! If I had a pet barnacle who was emotionally needy I would call him KLINGON.

In other news, I am keeping a low profile at work and mastering how to update the website without causing another workplace trauma. Cream Horn has gone back to ignoring me so I am clearly doing an excellent job of melting into the expensive floral wallpaper.

However, I am lonely without a colleague to chatter with. I’d love a good gossip about The Domino and a chance to run through a list of suitors for odd yet endearing Bernard of The Whittled Ankles. It got me thinking about my old job and good pal Meredith. Memories of my misdemeanours flooded back and I was nearly sick with shame.

So I’d been pinning my hopes on the return of Karen (Future Faces) who I’d been told by Bernard was about my age and enjoyed a White Russian or two. I was delighted when she stepped into the office this morning, fully recovered from her tropical worm. My hopes continued to soar as she beamed at me and I saw she was wearing a vintage Levis jacket exactly like mine (Camden Market circa 1991). I’d already made her my joint and future maid of honour with Suze when she said,

“I am so pleased to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you already. It’s just so nice to have another girl in the office.”

I grinned. She continued,

“Interesting stunt with the website. A ballsy, profile raising move for your first week but, I couldn’t help thinking, just a teeny bit obvious? It takes time and skill to get yourself noticed around here. I should know. I was sitting in your seat for four years before they promoted me to Future Faces. A few words of advice. Don’t learn to run before you can crawl.”

Hopes were dashed, sliced and mangled on the shores of Optimism.

I tried to be Zen.

I pictured myself as an inverted island of calm.

I called Suze and left a message.

I christened Karen the b*stard child of a Janet Street Porter and a street drill.

It will be a ruddy freezing day in hell before I wear that Levis jacket again.

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